Happiness in a Bottle

I wish I could take the days where I am overjoyed and happy and feel like the world is an amazing place and just bottle that for the days when I feel like nothing is going my way and that the world would be better off without me. You know, like have a tube of the happy stuff and just apply it to my face and instantly I'd smile and be happy and I'd remember why the world was like heaven on Earth.

The only bottle I really have is my defective brain that tends to leak out the happy days, so that when I really need a dose of the good stuff I find that the bottles in my brain have been quite depleted. Maybe there are little elves in my brain getting drunk on the happiness I thought I had stored up for a rainy day! lol

Mostly I guess the worst days are when I feel unloved. The emails trickle off, the messages cease, there are no phone calls and everything I do seems to be wrong. But, besides all that, there is this monster of sadness inside of me that likes to lurk around every now and then. These days I can usually sleep it off pretty well. Before I was properly medicated, nothing helped. It was unending. Day in and day out I was dragged down to the bottom rung of the ladder, and I have to admit that sometimes I am just not that good at holding on.

Things are so much better these days I cannot even complain. These days of sorrow slip in and out without much fan faire. But god dammit if I don't hate when the sorrow slips in. I want to stomp it out like it is a fire about ready to catch on to some brush. I mean, I sort of have to stomp it out, but it gets tiring.

I cannot even sit at my computer and watch videos, because what point are all the videos in the world? What point is any of it? All of it? There is no point! It all has meaning and none of it has meaning at the same time and I know I'm only waxing philosophical, because that is what the emptiness and anger and sorrow and melancholy do to me. They make me try to find meaning in the abyss when there is none. Sometimes a pile of shit is just a pile of shit and there really is NO reason why I should be dwelling on such a disgusting pile of goo!

Laying in bed helps. I don't know why. Somehow laying in one spot, propped on a pile of soft pillows, immobile with my eyes clenched tight at least is physically comfortable and I always hope that it will lead to sleep.

Ahhhh! Sleep! My love, my respite! How do I love thee, let me count the ways! lol. I drift off without really knowing it and suddenly I have escaped from the death chamber. No more thoughts piling up one after the other, ceaselessly disturbing my every waking moment. When I am awake, I cannot stop thinking and remembering. One thought leads to ten more. Any moment of silence is filled up with the memory of a song that repeats and repeats in my head. When the song memory gets dislodged I might begin to wonder why a friend I haven't seen for 15 years doesn't like me anymore! And if not that friend, then why everyone I meet seems to hate me! Then I remember that it is because I'm so weird and awful, because only weird and awful people are so lonely and unloved I imagine. I mean, in every Disney movie I've ever seen, the only people who are truly miserable and unloved are the wretched ugly, mean, awful ones! lol So, maybe it is because I'm so ugly that no one likes me I think! A-ha! Yes! Or maybe it is because I'm irritating or boring or this or that or the other thing.

And, I can't write any more or think any more, so I collapse into bed waiting for the respite of sleep. I sleep and sleep and sleep. I wake up and the world has spun around a bit. I'm in a different spot in the universe and things seem quite a lot better on this side of the Sun. Thank the universe for spinning and thank the chemists for this damn fine medication that makes the really awful times fewer and farther in between. I just can't live in that space where I'm drowning and flailing for air 24x7x365. It is more than I can handle.

I don't know what the point of this post is. Just a thought in an endless stream of thoughts spinning around me.